Adventures of Frangipan

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

I feel like my head is going to explode. I've always dealt with my problems by myself. A few months ago a friend of mine suggested I might be depressed and could benefit from antidepressants. It surprised me that he was the only one to suggest that, because I felt like I'd been in a daze for so long.

I feel like I've been better since then: maybe I've had stuff to concentrate on and keep my mind off 'my mind'. But recently I've started to go downhill again, and maybe I need some help. I'm sad, I'm angry, I can't concentrate. I feel like I'm always putting a lid on how I'm really feeling and biting my tongue.

This living situation is killing me. I love my grandparents very much, but I'm really struggling to live with them. Sometimes they treat me like I'm 8, not 28. They can't just give me space, they have to mention the fact that they're giving me space. The TV is always loud. When they bicker I feel like I'm a kid again, trying to pretend I can't hear Mum and Dad bickering. They try to do stuff to make me happy, which I don't want and really don't deserve. They act like me taking on Dad's stuff is this massive burden, and oh poor me having to do it because there's no one else; but it's really not that big a deal and making out that it is just winds me up.

But I can't say anything because they're doing me a huge favour in providing me a free place to live when I have no money.

My dissertation is really getting me down. I don't feel like I have anywhere comfortable to work. I just don't see how I'm going to come up with anything that makes sense and provides me with a good grade. I feel like I should just take the PG Diploma. I've got no motivation to finish the dissertation. I don't understand how to do the policy analysis. I've got no idea what to do about interviews, and if I do any, then I have to fucking transcribe them.

I need to sort myself out.

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